BANana's

Sunday, October 30, 2005:

from su yins profile:

"Loving someone is chosing the good for them. it's not about emotions or feelings! it is a choice. remember that. ;-) (what i learned from a norbertine priest today) "
Allenini // 11:50 PM

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005:

God please show me why i live. I feel like a wasted creation.

"It Don't Matter"

Sittin in traffic another day of feeling nothing
Trying to find something I guess it's back to huffin'
Paint and model glue oh how I die when I look
At you smilin' lovin' life and all I know is blue
Rainy days and cold stares broken love affairs
Everything's beautiful as long as I ain't there
I guess I wasn't meant to crack a smile who cares
I think I'll go to sleep for a while now

I'm barely livin' in my skin depression's my only friend
And I don't know where I am heading tryin' to forget where I've been
And I'm so sick of lying God please show me that silver lining
Cuz I've heard tale and I'm not well my heads full of hell and
This world's a jail but

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear

And as the apin begins to displace had it to ear level
With this place you see it on my face a state of suspended grace
Gradually I erase and find comfort in the sickest womb
I might be present but no in the room
To whom it may consume melting ensembles bleeding chellos running through Bordellos drama
Like Othello hidin' out from Poncharello
Dead off in the Median
Fallin apart like usual handin' out flyers to my funeral

So they say that life's a play and that all the world's a stage
Then for another part I pray the show ends the same way everyday
And my heart carries the pain of a brain I can't explain
Am I insane
Am I insane

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear

And everything good is gone
And everything good is gone
And everything good is gone
And everything bad is here
And everything bad is here
And everything bad is here
It doesn't really matter now does it

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
Allenini // 7:32 PM

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Friday, October 14, 2005:

I could appologize a thousand times and it still wouldn't be enough.

someone... please... fix my body.
Allenini // 1:58 AM

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005:

My heart hurts... but i know that ur heart was never mine to begin with. Even when we were together, you were looking for something else that i couldn't give you... just by the questions u asked "Allen...would u beat a guy up if they treated me bad."... LoL ... the way you made sure ur parents approved of me... I'm so happy for you... and i'm glad i didn't stand in the way of things... and i know now that everything happens for a purpose... its funny how life always seems to work itself out. I've never been so happy in my life for someone else.

I knew your heart was nevermine... and justin... if you ever hurt her again.... well...i know u wont.... because i know ur for real.


"i fell for this guy when i was 15, he was my first love. i first met him when i was 14, we were in mrs. larson's science class. he claims that i copied his science hw with my friend john, but i swear i don't remember that. he used to laugh when john made short jokes about me, and he didn't believe that i was on the track team. we used to pass each other notes between classes making fun of all the weirdos at school, speaking of our dreams, and writing "just saying hi" or "how was ur day?". and when we kissed for the first time, it was like magic. no cliche. i knew i wanted to be with him after that moment. he lived on the opposite side of town, and would drive to my house every morning just to pick me up and tried to make me eat breakfast, but i never did. once, this guy david was mean to me and i don't quite remember what it was, but i was pretty upset. so he showed david a piece of his mind. david fearfully apologized to me and never bothered me again. my parents didn't find out about him because i was so young, i wasn't allowed to date. so we were only together at school. talking on the phone and sneaking out at night around 3am walking around my neighborhood was how we dated. i didn't like the stealth dating. i wanted to be honest with my parents. what was worse was when i was 16, i had to move 3000 miles away. it was a bittersweet goodbye, and i knew i was going to meet him again deep down inside. i missed him terribly, i wrote in a journal everyday so that when we meet again, i would give it to him. he drove to my house everyday after school to just reminisce. BUT we did have a bad breakup. horrible. i cried for 2 months straight. and so we moved on with our lives. i made new friends and joined clubs and went to SAT school frantically studying b4 college exams and dated random guys. he played golf, football, and ran track, dated someone else. we both went to college. we talked at random times when we were both dating other people. then all of the sudden last week, after 5 years of not seeing him, he came to set things right. i've never felt the way i do about him as i have felt about another guy. when you fall in love at such a young age, people doubt that it's true. but it's true, and i knew it when i saw him at the airport. we had a blast this weekend! thurs we went to cpk, spa/swimming, class, then pb bar and grill, friday went to class then fallfest, saturday to seaworld and the yardhouse, sunday to church, to IM football, shopping (he bought me and my sis a ipod nano thanks baby) and he took me, marj, and jackie to roy's for dinner, monday went to class with me & then airport.... he asked me to be his gf again, i thought about it, about how hard it would be and how much we would compromise. he asked me again last night for confirmation before his flight back home, and i said yes. i miss you J. "
Allenini // 12:43 AM

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Monday, October 10, 2005:

And its hard for me to admit, but its easy for me to see, that your life really will be just fine, or even better... without me...
Allenini // 5:38 PM

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Thursday, October 06, 2005:

I think i decided a long time ago... that i would rather never meet a person, than to meet them and leave them with a bad impression of me.
That is why i am a robot. Because when I let these emotions out... people get hurt. I'm going to the wizzard of oz.. to find my heart... and a new brain while i'm at it.

Have you ever seen a grown man cry before?
Allenini // 10:04 AM

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Sunday, October 02, 2005:

i'm taking a blogger break. Its time to meet the beast headon.


I'm sorry that i cant be here much longer, but please grow stronger while i'm away.


Essays:

Step back look at it from different view points, look at the larger picture

Other essay
Outwardly, speaking of arth. / reiters, in wardly speaking about mental anguish.

I can't remember the last day i lived where i had not felt pain.. but if i were to attribute it to a day, it would be the day i began to suffer from reiters syndrome. June 18th 2005


The death of a parent is not something you get over or forget, its something you learn to live with and accept.
Allenini // 10:37 AM

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Saturday, October 01, 2005:

My strength is growing weaker day by day... there's always something that will stand in the way.


Let me tell u now... that i am weak and that i am not better or worse than anyone else, but we are merely .. . different and this is how we are created and born....
Allenini // 11:23 PM

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