BANana's

Saturday, July 30, 2005:

We were driving up mountain and you were sitting to the left of me... the sky was bright and light blue and the clouds hung low in the bright sky.... they were traveling quite quickly. The fields around us were yellow from the summer sun and the driver/leader of the support group said, "this is how we should remember allen." and you asked, "how will you remember me?" I said that the sky reminded me of you and planes, because you had become a pilot...? LoL when we got to the top of the mountain we pulled up next to a bank and i reached out to hold your hand. As we walked in you went on ahead into the conference room... i milled around outside doing some chores and calling my mom. She said that i had a neglectful tone, she was working and the conversation ended... I walked into the converance room and both of you had already been talking for a moment. my dad asked if i could still understand chinese... and i sat down.. but my head in my hands and started crying.


it was the end of my life... and i was finally getting to know my dad.

I have such beautiful dreams filled with so much sadness
Allenini // 3:18 PM

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Monday, July 25, 2005:

LoL i cant sleep... i slept preatty early.. 12? ishweee
Allenini // 5:44 AM

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Sunday, July 24, 2005:

And here's where it starts to hit hard.

I'm so sorry that families have to fall apart.. my friend.
I wish people could stay young and new forever...
Wo ming bai

LoL :

SleepyPanda2O9: can i forget about school and move down there with you
Wohenlan: lol i'm sorry thats not an option
SleepyPanda2O9: i'll just rent an apartment somewhere near you
SleepyPanda2O9: and not have to go to school
Wohenlan: its expensive near la jolla
Wohenlan: u'll need a well paying job
SleepyPanda2O9: i'll work instead of going to school
Wohenlan: i'd pay u to go to school
SleepyPanda2O9: -___- party pooper
Wohenlan: lol
Wohenlan: school is important
Wohenlan: would u reallly rather work
Wohenlan: than go to school?
Wohenlan: school u get to see all ur friends
Wohenlan: work u just work
SleepyPanda2O9: yay...money
Wohenlan: lol
Wohenlan: money doesn't replace friends though
Wohenlan: rich and sad
SleepyPanda2O9: yayy rich and sad
SleepyPanda2O9: well, i'll get to see u down there
SleepyPanda2O9: yayyy
SleepyPanda2O9: rich and one friend
SleepyPanda2O9: lol
Wohenlan: haha


i wish i could rip my heart out sometimes... if God allowed me to feel emotions then why is pain the strongest emotion i feel. I love my family.. but it was so f-ed up at one time... was it my fault? there's so many questions that i'll never have answered.... i needa go somewhere to hide away.. but i wouldn't know where. SHIT... and i still gotto concentrate on school. mosdef on my period now... okokok... for reals, seriously... i can't be like this, sleep.. tomorrow study. maybe thats why i'm so reluctant to be in a relationship... cuz i see how most of them end up... just in shambles... i'm so messed up inside.. my poor heart LoL its great. Thank you God.. both for the good and the bad.
Allenini // 11:10 PM

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words to actions
Allenini // 12:38 PM

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concentrate concentrate concentrate. July 24th LOL yeah it has been about a month... maybe a little more.... lol but wait.. symptoms started last thursday.. Haha.. great. i do get a period.. damnit , we'll double check with next months results. Weeee
Allenini // 3:23 AM

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Thursday, July 21, 2005:

i'm stressed out...i'm cranky... and my heart hurts... too bad i cant hug a text book.
Allenini // 4:26 PM

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i'm locking my heart in a cage... its somewhat of a filter, "friends only." If there are any other intentions, u wont be able to find the key.
Allenini // 11:06 AM

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Wednesday, July 20, 2005:

body aching, heart is breaking, making amends with long lost friends.
Allenini // 9:11 PM

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Monday, July 18, 2005:

Hate me with all your heart, and do everything u can just to forget me.
Allenini // 9:48 PM

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Please.... grow stronger for me.
Allenini // 12:52 AM

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Friday, July 15, 2005:

is it even possible for me to grab what i really want right now

Just take my heart and run with it.
Allenini // 1:56 AM

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Saturday, July 09, 2005:

For now, i'll just pretend i dont have a care in the world, and perhaps one day these lies will become the trueth.
Allenini // 1:55 PM

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how lovely would it be to be selfish and never care about anybody... to just take and never give in return. To not be affected by people, and just driven to succeed. I want to live life for myself and not have to worry about others...but thats not me. I'd rather be friends with the friendless than be cool with the popular kids. whats bothering me.. i dont even know anymore. i think i'm just tired..... so i'll just vent.... its hot.. i'm gonna take off my shirt because i can, i'm gonna wear it on my head instead cuz its fun. woot LoL. whats on my mind... whats on my mind whats on my mind.
Allenini // 3:22 AM

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I'd like it if someone could punched me in the chest right now. Maybe a couple times in the face... then dropped me in some really deep dark hole. I'd like a couple blankets though... just to make sure i'm comfortable in the dark.
Allenini // 3:12 AM

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Friday, July 08, 2005:

at night is when my heart hurts the most, so i cover myself in my blanket to sheild myself from the pains. Woot
Allenini // 2:44 AM

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Thursday, July 07, 2005:

cuz love dont love me.
Allenini // 12:13 PM

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"I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I've found out the measure of a man
God knows and understands
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man"
Allenini // 11:46 AM

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Wednesday, July 06, 2005:

NOthings really gone well since i've gotten back to san diego... am i really supposed to be here?
Allenini // 9:27 AM

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my body.. my heart ... my soul... everything is hurting tonight.
Allenini // 12:00 AM

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Tuesday, July 05, 2005:

And is this what love is?... then i have lost all hope and faith ... thank you for giving me this lesson in life... only in dreams ... So God.. tell me how i can tell the fakes and the phonies from the geniun and good natured people? u know?... what do i do? who can i trust?

So what do i do now... i'd cry but i cant... only in dreams. Is love even worth pursuing? Then the only thing i can do is put my faith in you, and let u give me what i need. Dear God... ni dzai na li?
Allenini // 5:27 PM

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Feed me the pain and let me hunger for growth.
Allenini // 2:14 AM

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when the ground begins to crumble beneath you, use your wings and soar to the heavens.
Allenini // 1:40 AM

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Monday, July 04, 2005:

With the tears that i cant hold back, and the fears i cant forget.
Allenini // 10:25 PM

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Saturday, July 02, 2005:

You can’t resist her.
She’s in your bones.
She is your marrow, and your ride home.

You can’t avoid her.
She’s in the air.[in the air]
And in between molecules of oxygen and carbon dioxide.

Only in dreams, you’ll see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold on to hers.
But when we wake, it’s all been erased.
And so it seems... only in dreams.
You walk up to her.
Ask her to dance.
She says ’hey baby, I just might take a chance.’

You say it’s a good thing.
That you float in the air.[in the air.]
Up where there’s no way I will crush
Your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces.

Only in dreams, you’ll see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold on to hers.
But when we wake, it’s all been erased.
And so it seems... only in dreams.

Only in dreams.Only in dreams.
Allenini // 2:03 PM

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Let me be this ball of rage
It wont last long, its only a stage
And once the distruction around me settles down
I'll see what friends are left to be found.
Allenini // 1:58 PM

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