BANana's

Friday, February 28, 2003:

A:LKJFARRGhh... i can feel him eating at my mind... i'm so pissed at nothing, i look at the mirror and just want to punch myself.. lol what was i gonna write about for my essay... "comfort is ignorance" something about... exploring new fields of knowledge even though it may not be comfortable or easy to do so, my hairs getting long again and i feel better now, i should brush my teeth. i think i'll listen to some music... Aahhh.. music... ( i can feel the thoughts knocking... but too bad... cuz i'm listening to some music and i can't hear sp?(i cant believe i dunno how to spell here.. or hear... hear has ear in it.. hehehe ok it really must be getting late))
Allenini // 1:42 AM

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love sucks, its like drinking... it makes u stupid and ignorant. I minus well get drunk rather than fall in love again.
Allenini // 1:33 AM

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It was hard dragging myself out of this whole by myself... but i think i can do it now. Is it wrong to occupy myself with... lesser things?... or should i let the dweling feelings enter my soul... (Feeling at the moment: ... poopy ( i deleted the S word cuz its bad) why did things have to change... why couldn't they have changed for the better... maybe its to test me so i may be stronger...maybe its so i can have sympothy for others.... maybe its so i can have sympothy for myself. I am not self sufficient.
Allenini // 1:22 AM

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Wednesday, February 26, 2003:

I dunno what i'm feeling right now... tired? Occomplished? dunno so i guess i'll sleep. Live is going better, but i still think. i'm excited for next year of college. life is not bad at the moment... life is life.

on another note.. my dad's plaque thing is on the grave now... its a beautiful thing. It shouldn't have been like this though... my mom and dad were supposed to grow old together... but now my mom lives alone. The only reason she lives is to take care of me... I hope she is living for her own enjoyment also... i hope. I don't remember what it said on my dad's plaque... but i enjoyed it. it's a beautiful thing. We were still getting to know eachother. it wasn't supposed to happen like this.

i'm thinking about my dad less now... it was really hard at the beginning of this year... so hard... but i think its getting better. I remember i used to wake up crying every four days or so, but now its better. I would think about him everyday... but now its better. I've made it past the hard times... i think things are getting better.
Allenini // 2:58 AM

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Tuesday, February 25, 2003:

Father of mine tell me where have you been?
You know I just closed my eyes and my whole world disappeared.
Father of mine take me back to the day when I was still your golden boy,
Back before you went away.
I remember blue skies, walking the block.
I loved it when you held me high, I loved to hear you talk.
You would take me to a movie, you would take me to the beach,
You would take me to the place inside that is so hard to reach.
Father of mine tell me where did you go?
You had the world inside your hand, and you did not seem to know.


I will never be safe, I will never be sane,
I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.
Now I'm a grown man with a child of my own.
And I swear that I will never let her know all the pain I have known.
Then he walked away.
Daddy gave me a name then he walked away.
My dad he gave me a name then he walked away.

Allenini // 2:07 PM

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Where am i going with my life, what do i want to do. Architecture, but no money
Business, but money is evil
Mechanical Engineering, work but no money and not as satisfying as architecture
Bio Engineering... lots of work... lots of money.
Pharmacist or optomotrist decent work... decent money.
Allenini // 10:20 AM

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"I am living in a world that values money over human life."

Fast food chains sell products that make money... even if its at the expense of your life.

Today i went to kaiser to check up on the lump in my breast. Of course they say that i should not worry about it and it'll go away by itself. ... Its been there for 5 years... its not going away... how can i not worry about it if u haven't done any tests to prove to me that its not cancer. All u've done is felt me up and thats not gonna make me worry any less. How simple wouold it be just to perform a biopsy instead of having me return every month to tell u it hasn't gone away and its only getting bigger... how many times do i have to do that before you somethings gonna happen. Medicine is a game of psychology. Reminder to self, prepare u'r questions before you see a doctor. I went in today expecting them to innitiate the tests needed. Reminder to self... check if plastic surgery is covered by our insurance. If i want to continue in the persuit of happiness i needa go to the hospital atleast another 2 times if i want to follow up on the plastic surgery referal, but then if plastic surgery does it i'm not sure if my insurance will cover it.
Allenini // 10:08 AM

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Sunday, February 23, 2003:

Most people seek the aprooval of others...

i seek acceptance from myself...

I should be seeking God's aproval.


Clothes and advertising are becomeing more sexual day by day... its whats in style.
Allenini // 4:49 PM

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Love is protecting those you care about.
Allenini // 1:00 AM

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Saturday, February 22, 2003:

i've lived 19 years of my life... and what do i have to show for it?
Allenini // 3:52 PM

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Tuesday, February 18, 2003:

I guess there's no hope.
Allenini // 12:56 AM

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Sunday, February 16, 2003:

So what should I do now? ..i've been proven otherwise. i guess the only thing i can do is move on with my life and pretend i haven't been affected and just take in what i've learned. Love is a powerful emotion... if two people don't take it equally seriously someone is bound to get hurt. I try not to take love seriously, but thats not who i am. It amazes me how some peoples emotions can change or their opinions can change so easily... ever since i was little, i thought love was supposed to last forever.... i guess thats the more expensive love that does.

Don't go look for love... love will find you... and once u'r in its grasps, it will never let go.
Allenini // 12:46 PM

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Thursday, February 13, 2003:

You reap what you sow.
Allenini // 5:57 PM

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Success brings success, failure breeds failure.
Allenini // 2:19 PM

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Wednesday, February 12, 2003:

Experience life as it comes, don't wait till its too late.
Allenini // 2:37 PM

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Monday, February 10, 2003:

"Love


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return,
but what is more painful is to love someone
and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one
so that when we finally meet the right person,
we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance,
and find out you still care for that person.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you,
only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with,
never say a word,
and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it,
but it's also true we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never assurance that they'll love you back.
Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

There are things you'd love to hear that you would never hear
from the person whom you would like to hear them from,
but don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his heart.

Never say good-bye, if you still want to try
-never give up, if you still feel you can go on
-never say you don't love a person anymore, if you can't let go.

Love comes to those who still hope, although they've been disappointed
-to those who still believe, although they've been betrayed
-to those who still need to love, although they've been hurt before
-and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone
-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.

Go for someone who makes you smile
because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much
that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

Hope you dream of that special someone.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

Always put yourself in others' shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you,
it probably hurts the person too.
A careless word may kindle strife;
a cruel word may wreck a life;
a timely word may level stress;
a loving word may heal and bless.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Happiness lies for those who cry,
those who hurt,
those who have searched,
and those who have tried,
for only they can appreciate
the importance of people
who have touched their lives.

Love begins with a smile,
grows with a kiss,
and ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,
you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling
and everyone around you is crying.
"
http://www.wsu.edu/~rsheats/love.html
Allenini // 2:44 AM

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damn .... dunno what to do. Its just harder. Its like i'm trying to get a second chance but i know it'll never happen. Oh well who cares, even if i did get a second chance, she'd only do it for me, not because she wanted to so whats the point. I wanna ... show her what i could be like, but i'm afraid that'd only make her feel more awkard. Love takes too much to maintain, and takes so much out of you when its over. Thats why relationships have to be based on love, cuz thats the only thing strong enough to bind two people together. If one loves but the other does not... the relationships hopeless.
Allenini // 1:47 AM

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Monday, February 03, 2003:

Its my birthday and i cry if i want to... you would cry too if it happened to you


So far my birthday has been crappy, i'm trying to settle things with steph and hopefuly move on with my life. Hopefully that'll happen tonight.... i hope, i think she's procrastinating talking to me... i don't have that type of time on my hands. Yeah.... pretty crappy so far, i almost cried when my brother called to say happy birthday, its 7pm right now and he's the only person that has. Its better this way.i have class in another hour and i needa read the book of job and write what job learned..... i don't really know what he learned. yeah... i'm in trouble.
Allenini // 7:08 PM

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Yeah ok... that was stupid... i regret it now...
Allenini // 12:23 PM

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OK.. i guess that was a last ditch effort. whatever i dunno, maybe i should give up. its impractical anyways for us to be dating, maybe she's just doing this because i hurt her. i dunno, i hope i find out

Allenini // 12:13 PM

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... I"m not so good now, I hope i didn't just do something il'l regret later on.... i just sent a fatty email about how i felt to steph....




Just delete this email.. don't read it, i don't even know what i was saying, it prolly doesn't mean anything, i'll just leave u alone from now on, hopefully now you can be happy.



Stephanini, iono what to say cept... pleeaaaase don't give up on me...? Just think of everything we've had... thats only half of the good stuff i have to show you. I've never really shown you how i felt. I guess we've both hide things from eachother but in different ways. LoL yeah i just noticed that... i never really show u how much i care about you cuz i'm too busy PMSing.. but yeah anyways

Do you remember this?...I got the subject for the emaili'm writing now from you, cuz it made me feel squishy when i read it again, so i want to return the favor. but here's the email anyways...
"my dear Allen,
If you meant leave you as in..earlier this year... I'M SORRY! I was scared cuz I was kinda unsure of what the heck I was doing, or what I was getting into. I didn't mean to hurt you. I guess then I was being the selfish bastard, and was only thinking of myself. I was pushing you away for a while cuz things felt weird. I'm sorry. I wish I never said anything.
With the guy in tennis.. I just had a short crush on him. I knew I would get over it. I don't have a reason to like him, and I mean it when I say that your the only person I've cared about in this way. To me, the longer I'm with you, the more sure I am that I won't go for another guy or something.. I don't wanna hurt you again, or loose you. Your special to me, and you make me happy. I can't imagine my life without you anymore. You've come to mean a lot to me.I'm sorry for the times I've hurt you
... As for breaking up..do you mean you wanna go on a break? If there is a difference, but would you come back to me if i do improve my grades? I guess that would help motivate me, but I still feel helpless.. like I can't do it.. I've almost completely lost my self confidece, and self esteem..I dunno why. It's not your fault if that's what your thinking!!!!!!

Ok.. I'm iming you now, so I can just talk to you... see ya*

wo ai ni,
Stepha...nini"

Why did i put that here? Its to show you what i've realized. I Should have known you wouldn't have left me and to trust you... i just wanted to tell you that most everything that didn't work out was my fault. You say you're not a good girlfriend... but thats because i made you feel that way... i didn't mean to, i don't ever want you to feel that way again. I think you're the perfect girl friend. ( FOR REALS...) thats why i don't want to look for any other girls, its cuz i know you're the best for me, i know i'm not perfect. and i guess thats what i felt you were hiding from me, you were afraid to tell me That, that i should trust you and not worry about you anymore. I know what that means now, to care about you but not worry about you. Throughout the relationship i wanted you to tell me that i'm not a good person or that i over react, that way i could show or prove to you that i could be better... that i could change for you. But i'm just babbling now... i dunno what to do. I just wanted for us to have a good relationship and open communication, i always felt that .. u thought i was perfect or u were scared to hurt my ego, but thats what i need, is for you to tell me if i make you feel good or bad. I guess thats what i was hoping for, that we could talk to eachother about anything. I'll do anything to show you i'm for reals. please dont change.... please... i'm not sure if you want to change, but if u do please change for the better... I guess all i can do is pray.. pray that things work out. I have no more tricks or gimics to keep you mine, the choice is yours. When you told me after our fourth week of going out that you liked Curtis, i wanted to be happy for you, so i let you go, i can try to do that again if thats what you want, i just wanted to let you know how i feel before i let go... that i didn't want to throw what he had away, and that there's still hope. I dunno, i guess u'r tired of my crap though, i woudln't blame you, If you really care about jeff i'm happy for you... i'll back off, but i don't know if i can be close friends... and just watch you actively spending time with him. Thats why i blocked you... is so you wouldn't have to deal with my crap anymore, thats the only reason i'd leave, is so you could be happy, so i wouldn't weigh u down anymore. Thats why i was avoiding you this week, is cuz i know... i'd do something stupid like this (writing this lettter) during finals, i didnt' want you to have to think/worry about anything while taking finals. Man.. i'm just babbling now, i coudl go on forever, but i should stop. Its two in the morning now what am i doing... i'm never gonna be able to sleep anyways. I miss you, and i will always love you... maybe jeff Is better for you. Maybe i should just let go.. i guess this might be the last time i show u my true inner feelings... its true that love can make you do stupid things, it can make you like anyone, if you want to look for other fish in the sea feel free to. But my love will never be cheap.... it will never flow from my head or mouth for everone to see and hear, it will only flow from my heart, for that special someone to feel, when I hold them in my arms. I set out to teach you a lesson, but you have shown me something greater, my love is not a dime a dozen it is priceless. I know what true love is and i know that i love you stephanini... never doubt that. True love is loving regardless of what happens, true love is forgiving someone for the same mistake even though they've done it 100 times and will continue to do it for 10,000 times, true love is not worrying about how horrible the future will be, true love is knowing how you feel for someone and knowing that that is always how it will be. Don't give up.. don't loose hope, be the best you can be and i will always be proud of you. Maybe i'm too young to know what true love is... but this is how i feel now. I have always considered myself to be a precociouse fellow... Heckove precociouse (is there even a E at the end of that?). HAppy birthday allen... Maybe ill finally get my wish this year.. and learn to be happy.

Watashiwa forever stephanini....

Allen Liu

i better send this junk before i edit, rearange, or add anymore. Sweet dreamz... i hope i wake up soon cuz i still love you...



i hope it wasn't a mistake, i hope she responds.... i hope..
Allenini // 2:20 AM

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Sunday, February 02, 2003:

HEy now u'r a rock star, i'm doing good recently, i shaved my head or buzzed it real short, start a new i guess?? i needa clean my room ... soo messy, and then i should do my laundry, and homework eventually. hahahhah, yay life is good at the moment... except luv, but that can come later, i can wait
Allenini // 9:21 PM

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.... i just finished giving my friend dred locks... it is 2:09 am right now... i started at 3:00 pm yesterday.... i'm so tired gnite fart pooop
Allenini // 2:11 AM

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Saturday, February 01, 2003:

To love someone is to love them uncondiciounally, to be in love with someone, is to love someone and expect something in return...
Allenini // 11:50 AM

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my thoughts are my only enemy
Allenini // 11:32 AM

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"Life is like a game of cards...
...God deals us each a hand at birth.
How we play the cards is up to us."

Allenini // 11:32 AM

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My friends quote of the moment:

"when the last moon is cast
over the last star of morning,
and the future is past,
without even a last desperate warning..."
Allenini // 11:28 AM

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