BANana's

Thursday, January 30, 2003:

Dream log:
HAd another dream today.... only part i remember was.. my dad was alone at night in the rain, and a crane was falling on him... and i just kept goign back in my mind, thinking how he could have somehow dodged the crane from falling on him or something. Just kept trying to figure a way out of it. "Daddy don't leave... i'll be so much better, i'll tell my brother, i wont spill my milk at dinner.. i'll be so much better... i'll go to sleep at night." Now ...what happens to my family portrait?
Allenini // 3:29 PM

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Wednesday, January 29, 2003:

If i make a CD , it 'll be called "Justified" cuz i gotto have a good reason/motivation before i can make a quality CD... blah blah blah
Allenini // 4:55 PM

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The rolling waves rush towards the shore.

Each wave empounding my motionless body.




Will I only appreciate my life when I'm about to loose it?

What do i live for?



"Although this mammogram is not worrisome in itself, we still feel that you should follow up with the surgery department. We made one appointment in surgery but apparently you cancelled it. I strongly encourage you to make an apointment with surgery at your earliest opportunity."

Thomas E. Connolly, MD



Dear MR. LIU,

Your recent mammography examination showed an abnormality that requires further follow-up by your physician or other health care provider. Please be aweare that most of these findings are not found to be cancer. You and your physician or other health care provider will decide what additional tests are needed.


The Permanente Medical Group, Inc.

Radiology Department


Allenini // 4:29 PM

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Did you ever really care about me..?
Allenini // 2:21 PM

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Monday, January 27, 2003:

where is my mind... ? i gotto wake up in 7 and a half hours... and i still can't sleep, i wish i had some brain slower downer so i could just stop thinking.
Allenini // 11:42 PM

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Couldn't sleep, so i'm blogging... God must hurt a lot.... imagine to love someone so much, and then not have them feel the same way about u. Kinda like a crush.... but worse, not that fake kinda love, but true love. Then on top of that God's love is as wide as the sea, so to love that much and not be loved in return... how do u do it?? but then again.... God is eternally patient. but then... that means... god will be hurting forever... it doesn't just go away like in humans. damn... thats gotto suck, but then again, if u'r God u must be pretty dang popular. LoL
Allenini // 11:04 PM

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Dream log: Uh... had a dream about dad staying up too late like 1:!2 am or something, and then i got upset cuz i know him staying up and getting stressed is not good for him... then.... I saw an aim conversation with him aiming someone else... and thats all i remember. I just gotto say... take care of u'r parents when they're still around... don't neglect them cuz one of these days they're not gonna be there anymore. Maybe my dads trying to communicate soemthinng to me. Show me what his life was like... what he had to go through... or its just my subconcience feeling guilty.
I have this hip pain... and i'm wondering if its the same thing my dad had... cuz i got it one night over the summer sleeping in his bed." mama stop that crying... i don't understand..." I saw this in my friends info: "man made god in his image" So i did the super bowl thing and it made me relatively happy for a day. I thought i would stay relatively happy .. but i think its going back to the old ways again. "And i swear... by the moon and the stars and the sky (Thats what my next door neighbors are singing right now.. haha...)" Oh yeah there was a black out on saturday. crazy stuff, and i think i'm getting abyopsy tomorrow or something and i think i'm sick i keep sneezing. or its allergies. i get byopsy tomorrow yay.

Allenini // 9:42 PM

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Saturday, January 25, 2003:

i hope i don't mess up tomorrow... i wanna get some autographs too, i'm debating if i should bring a cemera or not too. Getting kinda nervous... i should just let it roll away.
Allenini // 9:52 PM

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Friday, January 24, 2003:

Alone in the world, my heart plunders ... plunders beneath the earths encrusted surface, grinding through the granit platetechtonics, drowning below a submarine dive, drenched and rung out to dry... sizzling through the earths multen magma core......back into the sea, into the evershifting plates back to the survace. But the process continues to reverse itself. Not stopping at any height in the air, continueing. Out of the earths atmosphere... out of the suns orbit.... out... .. of the milky way.. out... out...into nothingness alone in the world... alone drifting in the dark.
Allenini // 9:11 PM

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Thursday, January 23, 2003:

...and i cut the strings she binds me with.
Allenini // 3:51 PM

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Wednesday, January 22, 2003:

HEy, so exciting stuff happened today.
I went to super bowl pregame practice cuz i audition and got selected to dance for the pregame. I'm gonna be the first Gold flag running in on the right. ANd then today there were news camera people and i got to be in a couple of shots standing next to the news broadcaster and 7 of us did breakdancing stuff. I got free Super bowl hat and super bowl shirt, but i gave the sweatshirt to my roomate cuz he gave me rides and stuff. And i have a NFL experience ticket. OOOH i went on the field last saturday and they just freshly planted the grass and painted it so when were on there on the field the manager people kept yelling at us to stay still and not move around too much otherwise it would mess up the grass. ... By far the BEST looking grass i have ever seen. Anyways homework time ... or more games. I'm out .
Allenini // 1:04 AM

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Friday, January 17, 2003:

I can't sleep..... its been an hour since i went to bed.... and i can't sleep. Night time ... used to be my prime... when my mind worked efficiently, when i got all my homework done. Now only bad thoughts creep into my head... my mind thinks endlessly of processes constructed in the past. Action ... reaction, conclusion. My life from point A to point B how did i arrive so quickly from such a gradual process. I was given my life, given free choice and free will, but i didn't know what to do with it... i still don't. Everything seems so pointless now. Non of my thinking can be settled. I was debating if is hould turn on the computer and i was sitting up in bed...

ALiuzer (2:52:03 AM): lol i was sitting up in my bed

ALiuzer (2:52:09 AM): debating if i should turn on my computer or not

ALiuzer (2:52:16 AM): and my roomate got up too

ALiuzer (2:52:33 AM): and we were both just staring at eachother in the dark for like 10 seconds...


and then i said whats up and he rolled over and went back to bed. So... everytime my head hits the pillow... i get this feeling... like life is moving to fast for me to keep up. Like i can't gain control of whats going on.


Makoto3838 (2:56:50 AM): i hate good dreams

ALiuzer (2:57:02 AM): lol

ALiuzer (2:57:03 AM): yup

ALiuzer (2:57:11 AM): waking up realizing its only a dream

Makoto3838 (2:57:26 AM): man, but its just like life

Makoto3838 (2:57:35 AM): it all is a dream

Makoto3838 (2:57:50 AM): sum of us just wake up sooner than others


matt, u'r crazy.. but in the end, the crazy ones are always right. especially in horrer movies.


Allen signing out. eyb


Allenini // 3:12 AM

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Thursday, January 09, 2003:

My mom called, and said tons of people went to my dad's grave today, Like the buddhist people came and burned the insense even though it was raining, so they held umbrellas over it... then, the chinese church came and threw the insense in the garbage. and there were tons of flowers, and thirty people at a time there.... pretty cool, wish i coulda gone to see it or atleast go back .... maybe i shoulda stayed at WC till then.
Allenini // 11:10 PM

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ok... so i haven't shown anyone my blog yet cuz i'm lazy, oh well. Today was my dad's 1 year.... can't believe its been a year, pretty crazy, time just seems to keep going, it never stops to let me catch my breath. So for today, i went to the cliffs just to think and remember my dad, went there for about an hour with payton and sam, then went to work out yay... i think its nap time. or i might go and think so more outside later... we'll see what happens.
Allenini // 9:11 PM

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Wednesday, January 08, 2003:

Dang peices of poopoo, it makes me mad how easily teachers make mistakes (usually on the bad side) when it comes to grades, This is the second or... maybe even 3rd time where i've almost been given an incorrect grade. Mr Boerner gave me a B both semesters because he lost a couple of my assignments. THen i got a B in physics when i should have gotten an A WHich was only a quarter grade though, so i didn't care as much. THen Now... my gpa is a 2.95 something or other, when it should be higher, because if its not, i'm out of luck fool... been standing most my life living in the gangsters paradise... keep standing most my life living in the gangsters paradise... Oh wait, i'm still blogging.. LoL so if i don't maintain a 3.0 and above i'll be out of scholarship money.
Allenini // 1:30 PM

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OK... i've been doing this blogging thing for a little bit for myself for a little bit... and i think i'm gonna "release" it to my close friends to check out if they're bored or whatever. Also if i keep it to my close friends, i wont feel presured to act a certain way when i'm writing, this is all me. I'm not gonna give it to steph directly cuz some of the stuff will probably be about her, BUT she does know my password, so if she wanted to check it out she could.



Anyways, so .. .today was kinda tough on me... I woke up crying , then went to MMW and was late, almost didnt' find a seat. I've realized... that steph is no longer mine, and the more i try to keep it that way, the more i'll get hurt. I admit now... that i stepped into a relationship foolishly, but now atleast i know... to know... what i'm doing... before i get into one next time. She's really .. kinda changed recently a lot too, it scares me sometimes, but i try and think it as for the better. She's more confident in herself now, and getting better grades. I'm proud of getting good grades, but i look down apon... the flirty stuff, i guess its just in her personality though, so she can't help it and i can't change it. If she wants trouble i'll let her defend herself. Can't be over protective.



Hm... after MMW, i went back to my room and played some Grand theft auto. very... not fullfilling. Games are bad for me. i know it but i can't help it. No more playing games with myself, haha that sounds a bit odd but whatever, i'm only talking to myself right now, and the few others out there. Then, i took a nap, i wanted to go to the beach today cuz the weather was soooo nice. it was like 80's or high seventies (SP anyone?) So back to steph, i dunno if i should be friends with her, because i feel like i'm being used. I don't want to be another one of her boy toys. I feel like... she only needs me when she's bored to go play tennis or shop or whatever, i bet she's only been in my house less than 10 times too. So it feels kinda lopsided.



OK this steph talk is even boring me. Anyways... i dunno nothing interesting to talk about. My physics teacher is from germany and he was writing with the chalk and it kept broking (lol.. broking) and the teacher was all "What kind of chalk is this?" and one of the students yelled out "American Chalk!" haha, anyways, i'm hoping i can do better on my grades this quarter, and... I"M really hoping there was a grade mix up in my chem grade.. Cuz right now i have a 2.953 or something and i need atleast a 3.0 to be elligable for scholarships. Man... its not like i really necesarily need it, it would just help bare the money load a lot. we could always ... sell or rent out our house or something. But then.. my mom would probably have to live in someone elses home and i wouldn't visit home as often, kinda sad huh? not being able to go home anymore. But that probably wont happen for a couple of years when i'm ready.



Thanks susu pop for talking with me today too and Makoto38, i can always depend on u guys for a "Little Chattting action" Anyways. Damn, i had to grow up so fast, but i still feel like a child. (perhaps lost in the world...)




OMgosh that was long, well. if your REALLLY bored u can read ALLL of that otherwise just skip the steph part and it cuts it down to about 1/4th hahah
PEace out...



OH shoot, tha 1 year is about to come up.... i wish i could be home to do something for it. I owe him atleast a day. Maybe i'll go to the cliffs just to contemplate ... if i know how to get there, payton can probably give me a ride... he'd understand. Maybe i'll figure out what i wanna do with my life while i'm there.
Allenini // 1:59 AM

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Sunday, January 05, 2003:

I'm eating an almond snickers... Yum it was 20 cents!... or 25 actually
Allenini // 8:02 PM

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Wednesday, January 01, 2003:

yay.... i need to poop. I hope i don't become a bumb when i grow up.... i really hope i dont.
Allenini // 10:54 AM

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